There are these mood swings that grind like the chains are all rusted and stain my hands like old swings will, but this is all new so i keep telling myself “it just shouldn’t be this way.” I need to clarify. I know its not the baby. It’s happy as a clam, learning how to move its arms and legs, using it’s little fingers to feel it’s face and rolling, always with the rolling. Its whats outside of my sunshine’s little world that’s rusting and falling away right before my eyes. And thats where the moodswings have their focus. On the daddy. The boy i want so desperatly to be daddy, so that I havn’t doomed my child to this fatherless existance that i never had to endure. Not that he wouldn’t be there some of the time but he seems to think that that will be enough. He’s afraid that i’ll become someone else once i give birth so all he can promise me is he’ll stay with me until the baby is born. He comes to see me,well, hes come up once since he left me here which was about 3 months ago. Im a jail warden from 60 miles away because i look down and see what we made and i want to hear his voice. Want soothing reassurance atleast once a day and really many times more. Someone to talk to. Im very very alone. No one has time for a pregnant friend who lives with her parents. Sometimes they do but theres never really anything new for me to add except baby stuff. That must be thrilling. The list of horrible things about me pours from his lips whenever i ask him to try a little bit more. I’ve slept with more people so im a whore. He left me for someone else and says he wants to be free to do it again and because i dont like this im possesive and vindictive. I tried to end it two days ago. Got it out, told him goodbye, and then hung up. Found myself calling back because i felt guilty about not letting him say anything and he said so many horrible things about me i found myself begging him to let me stay? when im such a wretch i couldnt possibly find someone better and having a child im afraid that the only people who will put up with me are men who are pedophiles. But i don’t wan’t want him to hurt my child like this. To always be telling it that wanting contact means your possesive, vile, and wrong. That exclusive love is something that doesnt exist that it was something their mother didnt deserve and by extention they wont either. That he’ll make promises to call and then wont and when the little voice asks why, he’ll tell them something or someone else was more important and then laugh at them when they cry. that he’ll only love them out of guilt like he does me. that he’ll tell them “as much as i love everyone else” when they ask if he loves them. And anyone else who knows him, would they even geuss? Geuss that these are the nothings he whispers to me each day, when he’s so mature and sweet to them, those who are smart enough to keep their distance not try to get too close. That have never gone out out of theyre way for him or made the mistake of telling him about their past, or showing that they care too much, love him more than anyone else. Is there someone out there who knows? what do i do with these chains? is it just me thats so wrong? i feel he was a completely different person before this happened. Do men change this quickly this completely? Does an unwanted pregnancy make them calloused and distant? Will anything change him back, give me back the guy i loved?
Posted on Saturday, 29 August 2009
